Infidelity, Cheating paper I wrote part one « Thread Started on Jul 19, 2007, 12:59pm »
Chad Melkus July 13, 2007 Combined Final Paper Soc 480
The Causes, Effects, Treatment, and Prevention of Infidelity in Heterosexual Marriages
One reason that infidelity should concern most people is because most people will get married at one point in there life. A study confirms that “about 90% of Americans will marry at some point during their lives (Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004).” Therefore, infidelity is a concern for 9 out of 10 people which makes infidelity is a worthy topic that is relative to the majority of the public. The second reason that infidelity should concern most people is because “Infidelity is one of the most frequently cited factors leading to marital disruption Sweeny &Horwitz 2001).” Disruptions inflict emotional damage in trust, cause social embarrassment, “hostility, anger”, depression, and suicidal feelings (Sweeny & Horwitz 2001). Lastly, “marital infidelity is a leading cause of divorce, spousal battery, and homicide (Drigotas and Barta 2001).” The purpose of this paper is to examine what causes infidelity, how it can be prevented, and how it can be fixed. If one can understand the factors that contribute to cheating in marriages than one can know when a risk factor is occurring and be conscious of it which could help prevent it at the same time. Infidelity Defined Infidelity comes in many different forms such as emotional infidelity, any form of physical exchanges (including sexual exchanges), and work related affairs (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon,Glass 2005). The word infidelity can also be used in variation with cheating, adultery, affair, relationship abuse, cuckold(for female cheaters), extramarital, and horns in countries such as Russia, Brazil, Germany, Italy, Portugal and Spanish speaking countries(Wikipedia 2007). Horn is used to signify the “suffering” the cheating of the spouse” and cuckold is “a married man whose wife has sex with other men. (Wikipedia 2007).” Infidelity in American culture is the “violation” of the norm of “sexual exclusivity” (Sweeny &Horwitz 2001). “Infidelity, in the context of a dyadic relationship, represents a partner’s violation of norms regulating the level of emotional or physical intimacy with people outside the relationship. “Infidelity in a romantic relationship is a source of strong emotional reactions and a threat to the stability of the relationship (Buss, 2000)( Cann, Baucom 2004).” Infidelity is “a breach of the trust, a betrayal of a relationship, a breaking of an agreement, affairs are not only immoral; they are ‘‘abnormal behavior’’ and are always a sign that the person who has the affair has “a problem” (Scheinkman 2005).
Statistics and Extent There is overwhelming evidence that infidelity does exist and is a social problem because of the nation wide numbers. Furthermore, people’s ideals seem to contradict their actions of infidelity. In looking at the ideals of people in one study showed that 97% of people said that extramarital sex was wrong for married people (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The contradiction can be seen in the next two studies. The first study showed that 22% to 25% of men and 11% to 15% of women have had extramarital sex (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). These statistics were of a younger age group, and in other studies researchers have found in higher age groups a higher admittance to cheating (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Onestudy showed that 40% of men and 20% of women will cheat in their lifetime (Snyder, Gordon, Baucom 2004). Underreporting is very likely in every statistic as well (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). This provides further evidence that infidelity is a violation of a social norm in American culture. Then when emotional infidelity is added to the studies the numbers become higher with 44% of men and 25% of women committing some form of infidelity (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Underreporting plus people not seeing certain actions as cheating make infidelity higher than shown above. Damage from infidelity is done to both the person who cheated in “grief, guilt, paralysis, and difficult choices” and then the person who did not cheat is left with damage in “physiological, psychological, spiritual, and relational” areas (Scheinkman 2005). Also, there has been research showing that people with psychological problems such as depression, substance or alcohol abuse, and personality disorders block or hinder the feelings of guilt and stress involved in (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005).
Social Myths Social myths come from many places throughout society in friends, family, media, and our past which distort reality. The distorted reality becomes scattered around as social myths that become risk factors that increase the chances of infidelity unless they can be unmasked. Social myths can be seen in having false expectations that cause one to keep searching for a soul mate, having false logic reactions to difficulties in the marriage, possible threats from ex partners that lead to insecurity, and fallacies which distort social reality. One common social myth is that infidelity only happens in marriages that are not satisfying or healthy (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Actually, statistics show that there are just as many people that cheat in happy marriages as people who cheat in unhappy marriages (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Interestingly, research indicates that some people look for reasons why they cheated after they committed the act and look at the negative aspects of the marriage for explanation (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). This leads me to believe that some infidelity is based on chemical attraction to another and the reasoning starts to form later which would disprove the myth that only unhappy marriages are at risk.Furthermore, the act of infidelity could highlight or over emphasize the negative/unfulfilling parts of the relationship for the person who was cheating. Then when the other partner finds out the same process could theoretically happen to them as well. Other people who are found to blame all their marriage problems on infidelity are also found to blame everything that goes wrong on the other person (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005).
Another myth comes when an individual or couple thinks about divorce. The myth is that action has to follow their thoughts but “over 80% of partners who think about divorce and do not divorce are happy they did not divorce.( Markman 2005).” People forget that their “The marriage contract covers the risk that a preferable alternative partner shows up long after relationship investments have been made (van de Rijt and Buskens 2006).” ).” I would speculate that married people over exaggerate some problems. As a result they throw labels at each other which puts them in a defensive, revengeful, and hurtful mode of thinking which further stimulates the idea of divorce rather than solution. I would also be led to believe that some people believe the other person will never change their ways. In the case of infidelity, I would guess that the injured person would be unhappy with them or with out them for the most part. In some cases psychotherapy or group counseling can heal and fix old wounds which will be discussed later in the intervention section.
The next major social myth is in the idea of soul mates. “Ninety-four percent (94%) of younger adults actually express this as the most important feature of what or who they are looking for in a mate (Popenoe & Whitehead 2001).” There will be times when marriage happiness declines (naturally) and people have been known to act on the chemical reaction of lust (Treas, Giesen 2000). Also, when a person believes in the soul mate idea they may be at risk in vulnerable patches in the relationship. The soul mate theory from a new age perspective is dangerous because they think that they were meant to be together or destined, and have no choice but to be with them( Wikipedia 2007 in appropriate citation ). Furthermore, the person feels that he is complete (the other person is the missing half) with the interaction of the new person in “friendship, love, intimacy, and sexuality (Wikipedia 2007)The soul mate illusion declines as soon as the individual finds the same constraints that existed in the marriage also exist with the new person(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). In other words people use the soul mate theory until it is not convenient for them to use anymore (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Other research shows that people who enjoy sex at a higher amount are more inclined to cheat (Treas, Giesen 2000). Next, research shows that the more “past relationships” someone has the more likely they are to cheat(Treas, Giesen 2000). Studies also show that if the person is more sexually experienced along with being an attractive person will increase the future risk of them having more sexual opportunities in the future with new contacts and have more people in the past that will be in contact with that person(Treas, Giesen 2000). ). The amount of jealousy or worry is determined by the particular person involved (Cann, Baucom 2004). For example, the better looking the girl is the more feelings of jealousy and worry the girl will feel (Cann, Baucom 2004). Studies show that men are more threatened by a man who shows features of “domination” (Cann, Baucom 2004). Through studies men are more worried about sexual infidelity while women are more worried about emotional infidelity (Cann, Baucom 2004). The biggest threat found to infidelity is in past romantic partners (Cann, Baucom 2004). This threat can be conformed by the learned social expectations from the media that depict that past lovers often come back together later in the story lines(Cann, Baucom 2004). So this idea reinforces the possibility of a real threat from the past lover. The media at the same time gives off the idea that even after a relationship is done a “bond” still remains which research shows is true (Cann, Baucom 2004). On the societal level individuals use words to describe a sublevel side that society can not see. The part that society can not see is the internal feelings of the many self’s. The way the internal feelings become sociological is by the invidual internalizing them and those feelings interact with sociological terms such as norms, sterotypes, and roles. Their decisions go through a sociological filter. The action is then the end result. In this sense, the inviduals self is linked to words that have been influenced socially. The words are then used to link to another sublevel of biological feelings internally. Addressing the feelings of excitement and interest comes from the chemical make up of our human bodies that will at first raise the testosterone levels and amphetamines that make people feel euphoric or in a panic of heat (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). These feelings are dangerous because other feelings that cause humans to nurture decrease at home and this would be the result of infidelity (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). That’s why the victims to the cheating behavior will see a difference in the person’s behavior at home and most likely will be caught (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Understanding the biological urges that everyone gets will help people learn to avoid acting off the natural occurring chemical feelings for others that can lead to infidelity (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Other risks include social myths/fallacies about cheating such as everybody cheats and it is normal, affairs help boring marriages, and infidelity is caused by unhappiness in marriage (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Many believe the affair will be more exciting and interesting than their marriage, and this turns out to be short-lived (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Another myth is to believe that the other can push one to cheat which shows a lack of control over one’s body(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Some may think that if the other partner never finds out about the cheating then it will do no harm which most of the time doesn’t work out that way(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Another myth is that a break in the marriage or divorce will end in happiness for oneself (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Research shows that most of the time people are not happier after divorce and second marriages divorce even faster than the first marriages (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005).
Infidelity, Cheating paper I wrote part two « Reply #1 on Jul 19, 2007, 1:00pm »
Gender Influences Literature shows that gender matters (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Gender socialization is created through many facets such as television and movies. Men are more likely than women to have cheated or at higher future risk of engaging in it (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Research has revealed that “men express more desire to have EMI, more willingness to engage in EMI, more active seeking of an extramarital partner, and less disapproval of EMI relative to women(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005).” Lusterman (1997) theorizes that because some men put so much into their job that they sometimes might not give as much time that is needed to their wives(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The good news is that the difference between the genders is diminishing with younger age groups(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). A higher sexual drive is linked to higher rates of infidelity (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Men are more likely to give sexual reasons for their infidelity while women are more to report having the affair due to intimacy reasons. Some men have been known to use entitlement of being a man for the reason why it is ok for them to cheat and not the woman (Scheinkman 2005). Anthropologist Suzanne Frayser (1985) found that 26 out of 58 cultures around the world have a double standard, where the man is socially allowed to have extra affairs on the side of marriage. Men who reported infidelity were more likely than the men who did not report infidelity to state that their friends would do the same thing if they had the chance and that their friends have had infidelity experiences of their own(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). This shows that groups of people do influence each others standards, morals, decisions, and so on. In Atwater’s research he found that more than half (55%) of women had communicated the possible opportunity with their friends before engaging in the affair(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). How a society regulates premarital sex and infidelity matters to gender as well. Munck and Korotayev (1999) found that romantic love will be more important for the grounds for marriage when the society allows premarital sex and infidelity, but in cultures that do not allow either do not value romantic love as a reason to marry (Munck and Korotayev 1999). There are times where men have a higher chance of cheating during the pregnancy time period. Men should be advised to be extra careful in avoiding any possible temptations (Markman 2005). The good news is that the risk goes down after the birth of the child (Markman 2005). Individuals should not be able to use this as an excuse to deviate from the norm of faithfulness. Friends and family could help keep the foundations of the norm of faithfulness even more so because another child is involved. An interesting article, What is it with Men and Commitment, Anyway, Stanley in 2002 found through a phone survey with a population of 2,300 divorced men in Oklahoma that 58% of them had divorced because of infidelity or extramarital sex. Also interesting, was that 85% of the 2,300 had divorced because of the lack of commitment(Stanley 2002). Focusing more on the men side, an article out of Ebony says as technology such as cell phones come out with the ability to secretly text other girls makes cheating a whole lot easier (Ebony 1999). Experts says that the man who cheats on the women before marriage will most likely cheat again in the marriage, and some women even take the mindset that they would rather be with a unfaithful man than be alone.(Ebony 1999). The ego boost theory, interestingly says that men cheat to erase the lack of self-esteem and self worth (ebony 1999). Other possible reasons men cheat can be from “instant gratification”, revenge, and being come on by aggressive females that are sometimes looking for married men who will not have any strings attached (Ebony 1999). Focusing more on the female side, Ebony followed up the next month to discuss the reasons women cheat (Ebony 1999)It turns out that men may cheat even if there is nothing wrong with their marriage while on the other hand the women usually cheat when they are not happy, fulfilled emotionally or sexually, or not valued past their roles(Ebony 1999) Women also wish to be courted like they were in the begging of the relationship and long to have romance that sometimes leaves over time, especially for the older men who’s testerone levels lower making them either not interested in sex or withdrawing in fear of performance issues that come with the age (Ebony 1999).
Media Influences Many people look to the media for creating false ideas and expectations, ideals, and unhappiness of marriage. Media in this sense affects both sexes, thus is connected to gender. There is evidence that media does have influence on gender. In the article Does Television Viewing Cultivate Unrealistic Expectations about Marriage? Segrin and Nabi found that college students who watched more romantic comedies and soap operas were positively correlated with “idealistic expectations about marriage (Segrin Nabi 2002).” The media is responsible for making people believe that an individual needs another to be completed and that we have soul mates out there (Zare 2001). These false explanations to fulfill happiness or completion in a relationship are incomplete which create a social myth. Bonnie Zare makes the argument that the movie industries changing moral stances are reflective of society. She includes the normalization of divorce, wider range of sexual mores, and the women’s higher social freedom for the influence of change in the movies. She says that we not only carry around our skills and labor but our image and personality included in the interaction of daily live with others. Bonnie thinks that we want to “test out” our package with others by flirting and mingling with others who are married or not. People then decide if the person will be a potential for a one time sex experience, friend, future partner/lover, or nothing (Zare 2001).
Emotional Fulfillment Individual attitudes and orientations, which are constantly weighed through emotions of fulfillment, do contribute to infidelity such as the person’s connection between love and sex, how much the person emotionally puts into their relationship, to what degree the person is dependent or independent, the need for more different types of relationships besides their partner, the degree of intimacy with people other than partner, and “adult romantic attachment style” (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Whitehurst (1969) found that men that had committed infidelity had a higher score on the act not having meaning, being powerless to stop it, not having norms against it, and being “socially isolated”( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). A study revealed that some people would cheat if their partner never found out (Treas, Giesen 2000).. Furthermore, there is a concept called “thinking” or “the debate” that goes on in peoples mind when the opportunity is provided( Treas, Giesen 2000). ). Then again, I’m sure that there are others who would claim that they never act on those feelings. My point would be that a part of them still wanted it for that moment and that they would be at risk if their relationship with their partner failed or lacked satisfaction. Furthermore, there is a concept called “thinking” or “the debate” that goes on in peoples mind when the opportunity is provided.
Janis Abrams Spring (After the Affair, 1996) suggest that people have a wanting for something or a “yearning” for “a particular kind of emotional connection, assurance, self-discovery, novelty, or freedom; it may also involve a wish to recapture lost parts of the self, or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss or tragedy (Scheinkman 2005).” Janis finds other reasons for cheating that fight against “disappointment,emptiness, or constraint (Scheinkman 2005). She also includes fantasy and illusion, anger, and revenge for the reasons for the affair(Scheinkman 2005).Intrapersonal reasons for infidelity that have been reported “Include curiosity and desire for variety, sensation seeking, experiential drives, reassurance of desirability or worth, to have fun, a need for conquest and power, combating a sense of inadequacy, escapism, exploring sexual orientation, or difficulties with intimacy”( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Spousal Factors Spousal factors play an important role in emotional fulfillment. Some spousal factors have come from needs and wants not being met, believing the other has already cheated, a wife’s pregnancy, sexual dissatisfaction, time spent together, trust, communication, and commitment (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). If the person believes they are more physically attractive than their partner then self reporting shows that they will have a higher chance of cheating and a sooner occurrence of it in the marriage. The degree of separateness in social networks has an effect on infidelity. If the people have more shared friends than there are less reports of infidelity(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). In other cases, spouses cheat for the purpose of being able to cope in an unsatisfying marriage with no plan to ever get divorced (Scheinkman 2005). Interestingly, in some cultures in Latin American and Europe have marriages that they know beforehand that will only fulfill certain needs and not others (Scheinkman 2005). In Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and the Temptation of Infidelity (1993), Reibstein and Richards argue that marriages are set up that if the ideals are not met such as “our partner must be the greatest lover, the best parent, the best friend, the intellectual equal, and the emotional companion” set marriages up for infidelity(Scheinkman 2005). Some couples expect to have “the greatest lover, the best parent, the best friend, the intellectual equal, and the emotional companion(Scheinkman 2005).” There’s no wonder that infidelity is such a risk with expectations like this. In Against Love: A Polemic (2003), Laura Kipnis suggest that “mate behavior modification” makes the infidelity increase (Scheinkman 2005). “Mate behavior modification” comes from mates trying to control the behavior of the other spouse in ways that increases safety and decreases insecurity(Scheinkman 2005). She suggests that mates have to get out of the mindset that their partner has to or will meet every need they have(Scheinkman 2005). Having the unrealistic expectations creates distress in the relationship that lay the ground for unhappiness(Scheinkman 2005). People in marriages create a jail full of restrictions on independence and separateness, rules that demand conformity, and personal dislikes that cause disagreements with personality characteristics that never end(Scheinkman 2005). In these contexts of marriage desire decreases and partners start to feel like being faithful to their partner is “labor”. Marriage turns into a “straightjacket” that people want to escape(Scheinkman 2005). Boredom sets in as arguments becoming repetitive and intimacy slowly suffocates as desire and commitment die (Scheinkman 2005). In The End of Romance: The Demystification of Love in the Postmodern Age Dowd and Pallotta suggest that our culture has been led to see marriage as a “solution” to emotional, physical, and sexual needs. Furthermore, marriage has been a hope of fulfillment to happiness which has become an illusion to most when one realizes that the idea was short-lived. Then the individual discovers that marriage is not what they believed it would be. Marriage becomes predictable, routine, and boring at times(Dowd & Pallotta 2000). In Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time (2002), Steven Mitchell says that “Romance thrives on novelty, mystery and danger; it is dispersed by familiarity (Scheinkman 2005). Enduring love is therefore a contradiction in terms’’(Scheinkman 2005) He shows that in history had erotic and domestic separate(Scheinkman 2005).The change of marriage over history has led us to the current ideal of having both domestic and erotic within a marriage(Scheinkman 2005). Mitchell suggests this seems difficult but not impossible to obtain(Scheinkman 2005). The next problem is that people want an “adventure” and “safety” which creates a fluid balance that changes overtime(Scheinkman 2005). “So when couples’ relationships become predictable, overtaxed with negotiations, obligations, responsibilities, contractual deals, and demands, our needs for freedom and spontaneity also become more pressing(Scheinkman 2005).” Mitchell thinks that people try to create the marriages that they wished they had in their parents or did have which longs for a safe marriage with predictability and never ending lasting (Scheinkman 2005). Social Forces outside the Marriage Things outside the marriage or “contextual predisposing factors” add to the chances of infidelity (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Having opportunities to engage in cheating increases more for men than women(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005).According to Glass’s (2003) research married women who are happy with their marriage are more likely than men to avoid opportunities to cheat(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Unbalanced gender ratios can increase the chance of infidelity . Research shows that when there is a higher amount alternative partners available increases the chances of infidelity(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Therefore in urban areas there are more chances to meet possible alternative partners(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). There is also a higher chance of being able to keep the infidelity a secret and to repeat this same pattern in the city than in small towns(Treas, Giesen 2000).The unbalanced gender ratios also reveal higher divorce rates as well(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). A higher reporting of cheating is found in married couples where one partner stays at home and the other works away from home, which reveals that the person with higher power and status has a higher chance of cheating(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). “Treas and Giesen (2000) found that the degree to which respondents’ jobs required touching, discussing personal concerns, or being alone with others was positively related to the likelihood of EMI in the prior year for married and cohabitating individuals (but was not related to lifetime prevalence rates of EMI) (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Partners who take separate vacations have a higher chance of infidelity (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). According to Allen and Baucom (2001) the less emotional involvement that the affair had the more likely the person is to report the begging of the affair starting (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Wiggins and Lederer (1984) found in their study that people who engaged in cheating with a co-worker was sought out for different reasons than people who cheated with a non co-worker. The people who cheated with a co-worker sought them out more on the basis of common interests while the people who cheated with a non co-worker sought them out more for “excitement” and “enhanced self-esteem.” Also, the people who cheated with a co-worker were more satisfied with their spouse, had been in longer marriages with their spouse, and had cheated less than the people who cheated with non co-workers (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The time of the day and the opportunity to engage in infidelity with a possible co-worker can increase or decrease(Treas, Giesen 2000). The night time has the highest reporting of infidelity (Treas, Giesen 2000). Approach Factors In the approach factors things such as the person getting prepared to engage in the affair come into play. The amount of time the person thinks about having the affair come into play as well. Atwater (1979) discovered that it took on an average of a month for a women to act on a possible affair while the shortest ranges were found in weeks and the longest ranges found in years( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The approach factors go more into the persons on going weighing of the positives and negatives of their marriage to the positives and negatives of being with the other person in an affair. Spending time with someone outside the marriage that is sexually compatible is a high risk because it makes the person see an alternative to their marriage and starts the process of evaluation. The person may not think too deep into the act of spending time with someone else outside the marriage until it escalades into more intimate conversations. This increases the possibility that the person may end up liking and being attracted to this person outside the marriage. So this is a risk to watch out for because “Generally speaking, people do not usually set out to have extramarital sex. .Men have been found to be less likely to feel guilty for having an extra affair than women which shows differences in gender. I think this could actually be applied theoretically to any gender in the younger age groups due to changing times.We can apply this thinking to the dating life before marriage and see that the reason for high break ups could theoretically be from more exposure to more alternative partners that can increase the positives and decrease the negatives in a relationship. Using the Cognitive dissonance theory people who are thinking about engaging in an extra martial affair may start to use reasons why their marriage is falling short of fulfilling themselves therefore making it easier for them to engage in behaviors of infidelity(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The reason the person tries to find reasons because they are aligning their attitude with the behavior they have already committed or about to commit(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005) Other evidence from interviewing shows “What they felt, as they fell into the affair, was how uncomfortable they had been around the partner they were betraying and how much more comfortable they felt around the affair partner who shared and encouraged their marriage wrecking secrets(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005).” Further evidence show that comfort dies with the lying that goes on to ensure that the other does not find out about the secret affair(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005) Even when the individual feels negative feelings such as guilt the individual still can not cut off their feelings of attachment to the person outside the marriage. “The ability to stop” would vary depending on the person’s ability to stop such an “addiction( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005).” Race, Religion Research in religion has shown that martial satisfaction has something to do with it. The research showed that people that are in “very happy marriages” was positively associated with practicing religion (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). But religion had no effect on extramarital involvement when the people in the study were in a “pretty happy marriages” or “not too happy marriages (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005)” People who self-label themselves as “swingers” are less likely to be a part of a church and more likely to be accepting of mutual infidelity (Treas, Giesen 2000). Research into race and infidelity has shown that African Americans and Hispanics report higher rates of extramarital sex than Whites (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). This does not prove that one race cheats more than another race but does show that different cultures report more or less than others (cite). Studies have shown that people with a history of divorce and separation have a higher rate of infidelity.
Infidelity, Cheating paper I wrote part three « Reply #2 on Jul 19, 2007, 1:01pm »
Effects Individuals who viewed their infidelity as “no big deal” were more likely to report that their spouses did not know about it. Guilt leads some to reveal “various clues” to their cheating(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Other people say they find out through other sources besides their spouse about the affair( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). So it appears that sooner or later they will more likely than not discover the truth. Some people know that their spouse may be developing interest or feelings in another and they don’t touch the subject.( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005) They don’t touch the subject for many reasons such as fear of showing jealousy which would push the other person away, the dislike of fighting such as arguments, and less sexual and emotional needs they have to fulfill by the developing affair(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Variables such as timing, if the marriage was happy through out the time of the affair, the amount of sexual contact, who the person the affair was with, and emotional involvement will influence the reaction between the two(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Multiple times of infidelity would make forgiveness less likely(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The results of infidelity will vary depending on the way it is found out through the unfaithful person telling their partner, keeping it a secret, or the partner finding out about it with out learning from the unfaithful partner(Scheinkman 2005). The negative effects when the spouse actually find out for sure result in divorce, abuse, and insecure attachment for kids in future(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Cross culturally when the women are the cheater the marriage is more likely to end in divorce than when the man is the cheater (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The chances for divorce increases when the wife has no kids (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Glass (2003) found that divorce increases when both partners have committed infidelity(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Kipnis (2003) says that infidelity “bring about jealousy, deception, self-deception, and ultimately, is a destabilizing experience in which one feels ‘‘awakened from emotional deadness,’’ but also very anxious and guilty (Scheinkman 2005).” Other effects may come by breaking up families, gossiping, and becoming the news of the town (Levine 2005). Another dimension to the results depends on the amount of investment in the marriage (Quatroy 2005). For example, a new marriage, young in age, if infidelity is found out may get divorced more likely than an older couple with kids, animals, mortgages, car payments, and etc.. Other investment material includes non material things such as time, emotions, and experiences. All these components affect the chance that a married couple might stay together (Quatroy 2005).
Also very interesting in an article entitled Is Infidelity a cause or consequence of poor martial quality, Previti and Amato found that people who had cheated were two times more likely to lead to a divorce than those who were in marriages that were both divorce prone (“thinking that the marriage is in trouble, thinking about divorce, and talking about divorce with one’s spouse or others”) in being unstable and unhappy. They also found that being unhappy in the marriage does lead to infidelity eventually from at least one of the partners. Furthermore, they found that infidelity was not the direct cause for divorce, but the effects of infidelity are what ended the marriage in the long run. The effects were seen in the “lowering of martial happiness and increasing thoughts of divorce (Previti and Amato 2004).
The person who was committing the affair when exposed may feel “ shame, rage, depression, anxiety, a sense of victimization, and symptoms consistent with those seen in posttraumatic stress disorder.( Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005 ).” Guilt is stronger with women when they are the one who has done the cheating (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Cano & O’Leary (2000) discovered that women who got cheated on were “more likely” to be experiencing depression even when they took out the past histories of depression that ran in the families(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Women are more likely to experience depression than men in general (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Also, if the person who did the cheating also iniates the divorce than it is even more painful and depressing(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Prevention Prevention comes in many forms such as reminders, friends, and cultural taboos. Through years of counseling, information has come available to the public in practical methods to deal with the temptations of infidelity. Furthermore, people have a way to learn a new form of self-defense. This new form of self-defense addresses the inner conflicts that one might run into in a lifetime. When a person finds that they are starting to get feelings of attraction towards another person outside their marriage or relationships they should not only suppress their feelings but instead should work to strengthen their commitment to the person they are with (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). There is evidence that having a secret affair increases the romantic attraction so a person at least telling their friends can help combat the loss of control (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Earlier in the in the paper the research revealed that there is evidence that people tell their friends about possible opportunities before they actually happen. This means that friends are important weapons to crush possible cheating. The friends will at least be able to positively influence their friends in doing the right thing or getting them some help. People often look at the short term effects and should be pushed to look more at the long term effects that would help discourage feelings from developing. “Cultural taboos” are good reinforcements for some to turn down an opportunity in fear of disapproval from friends and family (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005) The chance that the person outside the marriage may carry the chance of having a sexually transmitted disease may be a risk that keeps an individual from deciding to act. Other combative ways to stop fleeting thoughts of cheating in the action can come from training oneself to ask themselves a series of questions such as “ Why am I doing this or what will I get out of it?( Treas, Giesen 2000)” Reis and Miller (1979) would recommend thinking in the costs of cheating and the gains(Treas, Giesen 2000). In the article Managing Infidelity: a Cross-Cultural Perspective, Jankowiak and Buckmaster (2002), suggest that it is best for both male and female to watch over each other’s “extramarital sexual inclinations and action” for the purpose of “mate guarding” which is for the benefit of both. To some degree people feel that they should have the seculsive sexual rights to their mate and this would be ok if there is no double standard (Jankowiak and Buckmaster 2002). This self-defense can be turned into a couple effort. The next section will show what a couple has as far as options in countering infidelity.
Prep Method The Prep Method is a good choice because it is a couple therapy which may be used before infidelity has happened. In this active approach the married couple will find ways to rediscover each other. Things that might have been hard to bring up or awkward can come to light in a perfect setting such as this. The Prep Method has many other benefits such as increasing happiness and a adding a deeper understanding about each other. The prep method acknowledges that couples always think that they are not at risk for infidelity and they have many false predictions about the happiness of the marriage(Markman 2005).The prep method can be used before or after an affair has occurred. The prep method teaches couples how to deal with and express negative emotions, managing and fixing problems. Workbooks can be provided for the couple to fill out for their expectations. Markman’s prep method theorizes that martial happiness will decrease the factors that lead to infidelity and divorce. The method also incorporates an emphasis on martial happiness that include: “protecting fun and friendship, sensuality, romance, sex, understanding, and practicing relationship commitment .” In their commitment module they teach that being sexually attracted or even “ checking out other “ people is “natural”. The problem comes that if commitment is low and there are “attractive” people around them then the infidelity increases. The individual is then taught to use people around them as a reminder of their partner. They then teach for the individual to focus his/her attention on what they can do to improve their relationship such as sending a text message letting them know that you are thinking about them and love them. For the couples that have had an affair there is a forgiving part to the prep method that focuses on getting the couples to work on the good things in the relationship such as “fun, friendship, sensuality, romance, and sex.” There are counter methods developed to teach the married couple how to deal with people that are attracted to them. The next part deals with methods in how to counter the urge to act on the feeling that someone is your soul mate. The person needs to know they will have intense chemical attractions to other people and to only interpret them as natural, but of course not to act on them. Trust is the last crucial part. There is to be the highest value on keeping the trust. There has been research showing that this program works both short term and long term(Markman 2005). Prep Method: Marriage 101 course Another prevention method that has shown evidence of success is taught as a college course. The marriage 101 course is directed towards college students . This course will prepare the individuals for things such as commitment and the disillusionment of social myths. This course would decrease the chances of infidelity by improving the quality of the future marriages. Many frustrations that might occur in the marriage and possibly end in an extra martial affairs could be prevented by learning practical how to information. For example in class 7 and 8 the students will learn conflict resolution and communication skills which are important in defeating possible temptations outside the marriage. The marriage 101 course uses tools such as “assigned readings, a large lecture, experiential exercises and discussion in small groups, and self-inquiry questions in a private, and a ungraded journal (Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). Class 1: “Love is not enough.” This section goes into the myths about marriage to teach that sexual attraction, “good intentions, and happiness” are not enough. Clips from the movie The story of us (2000)which shows a young couple who find out that they do not know how to deal with the difficulties inside of marriage and contemplate divorce. The readings for this section go into what works in marriages and what does not. The “experiential exercises” focus on their ideal mate(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). Class 2: Knowing yourself emotionally, biologically, and wants/desires is important to being satisfied in a marriage. Characteristics that are found in unhappy people in marriages such as “ blaming others and oversimplifying situations will” experience themselves as the victims. Movie clips from Annie Hall (1977) show how people have different “subjective realties” that make people feel alone and unhappy in the marriage. “Empathic listening” is used in groups to discuss good and bad experiences in expectations, assumptions, things that made them vulnerable to pain, and how they dealt with something in a defensive way. The personal journals are then introduced. The students are instructed to “write 10 words that describe” themselves and then explain in at least a paragraph what the students know about themselves in a relationship. Then the second part to this assignment is for the student to get with a friend and ask the friend questions about themselves such as, how does it feel to be around me? Other questions can focus on negative and positive traits about themselves. This is practice for the students to learn how to get information in a marriage from their partner and how to see that their view of them is different from their own(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004)
3.)Class 3: How to evaluate if one is compatible to another is important. This section also goes into the myths that romantic couples use to be together such as “sexual pleasure, excessive idealization, and hopes to solve unconscious problems.” The class breaks up into groups and talks about three people they have been attracted to in the past and three similar/identical traits found in all three of them(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004).
4.)Class 4: Explorations of Intimacy. This lesson goes into the hows and whys of intimacy. The “we-ness” and “co-construction of meaning” is very important for intimacy. Showing and telling strong feelings inside is also important for the connectedness between two people. The class breaks into groups to talk about situations where they personally had problems being intimate about something that came from the past. Then the students talk about how they have tried to overcome this blockage to intimacy(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). 5.) Class 5: Being compatible with someone sexually. This lesson goes into myths and problems. Students learn that different people have different tastes in “sexual excitement.” Sex becomes satisfying in marriage when the couple can talk about what they like and dislike, caring about what the other wants and needs, and building trust through time. Later in the marriage our preferences change and discussions have to keep taking place to keep up with the change. Also, solutions to sexual differences and problems are discussed. Groups see a combination of clips and are asked to discuss which scenes were the most “erotic”. The students then talk about times where discussing sexual topics with partners has been easy or difficult, and what made the experience(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). ‘‘pleasurable, rewarding, anxiety-producing, disappointing, disturbing,” and so on. 6.) Class 6: Focuses on partners who live together, commitment, and homosexuality. The students in class make pros and cons for living together with a romantic partner. Then the class learns that “uncertainty about commitment almost destroys the relationship of a cohabiting couple.” The class then learns about other problems in living together and then takes a look at homosexual couples who live together(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). 7 &8.) Class 7 and 8: “Conflict resolution and communication skills.” Running into problems is going to happen for sure, and research shows that the people who try to avoid problems do so because they are not good at dealing with strong feelings that shut down their communication abilities. The ‘‘Speaker-Listener Technique’’ is one of the best ways in dealing with conflict. Movie clips are shown to display examples of fighting styles that are positive or negative. Then students are given set up situations to see how they would react and feel. The students are then instructed to show “X,Y,Z statements. For example, “When you do or don’t do X, I feel Y, because of Z.’’ Other tricks that are taught are time-outs, apologies, acceptance, and forgiveness(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004)
9.) Class 9: Teaches about things that were unpredictable to know before the marriage such as addictions, infidelity, violence, pornography, and depression. The students write about these issues that they have seen in their personal life. The teacher then gives them an out of the classroom assignment. The students have to go watch a family interacting somewhere and take notes(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). 10.) Class 10: The last core lesson teaches about what problems to expect in a relationship such as “managing children, in-laws, time, finances alcoholism, physical abuse, and extramarital affairs.” The ways to a healthy marriage are through continual communication, compromise, and agreeableness(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004).
Intervention Some intervention programs like Healthy People include children with the married couple to promote prevention of things such as divorce. This kind of program is considered to be “intervention fidelity” which focuses on problems that are happening now and problems that have happened after(Horner & Torres 2006). Healthy People is run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. MedlinePlus is a service that provides web resources with information and further assistance to people that are seeking the information. They have literature on common problems with journals linked to certain focuses. For example, if a couple had family problems, they could read up on how family therapy works then there are questions provided to choose which family therapist to use(MedlinePlus 2007) If the affair or infidelity has already occurred than forgiveness and trust are important for the healing process to begin in intervention. Forgiveness also needs the security of trust. Trust can only be recovered to a degree of what it used to be before and sometimes full trust can never be fully recovered. The person who is trying to get the other to forgive them has to acknowledge the painful emotions that they have caused and take responsibility(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Going into sexual details of the acts is the wrong way to help recover the partner from the infidelity. Instead, talking about the length of time that it went on for and “emotional investment” details are more suited to help the partner understand(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). The amount of times the acts were committed will influence the decision to forgive too(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Sexual infidelity is the hardest to forgive a little higher for men than women(Cann, Baucom 2004). Women reported that having both sexual and emotional infidelity would be hardest to forgive(Cann, Baucom 2004). So depending on which act of infidelity was committed would influence the ability for forgiveness to even work(Cann, Baucom 2004). Also the degree of pain will be positively correlated with the amount of investment into the relationship(Cann, Baucom 2004). The younger the couple the more likely that the person would choose to “cut their loss” rather than try to work it out(Cann, Baucom 2004). Getting over failed commitment would have to be addressed as well(Cann, Baucom 2004). One way to build trust is to make sure the individual that had the affair no longer has the person in their life anymore(Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005) The need for security means that the person no longer comes into contact with the person they were cheating with (Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, Glass 2005). Treatment A large amount of clinicians now have begun to treat infidelity as “Posttraumatic Stress Disorder” that comes with many symptoms together such as “intense anger, feelings of shame, depression, intrusive and painful memories, avoidance and emotional numbing, or persistent increased arousal (Snyder, Gordon, Baucom 2004). Some literature has shown that emotional injury is caused when the things we take for granted get “violated.( Snyder, Gordon, Baucom 2004) In a romantic relationship some of the things we take for granted are trust, security, and the feeling of being valued by the other(Snyder, Gordon, Baucom 2004). Now the individual no longer knows what to do when their assumptions get turned over. At the same time the person who got cheated on may start to blame themselves for reasons why it happened, and then becoming angry at the person who hurt them(Snyder, Gordon, Baucom 2004). Honesty becomes very important for recovery of the injured partner (Scheinkman 2005). Also in the article, What He Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Him (or Me): Verbal Responses and Attributions Following Sexual infidelity, Mongeau and Schulz (1997) bring up 3 things that will help the infidelity situation in concesions, excuses, and justifications (Mongeau and Schulz 1997).
Some therapists on the other hand think that the affair is a way that the person has acted out on the feelings of wanting to escape because the person is the “wrong person” or the marriage is “imperfect” in the marriage because they are unable to face their own feelings of wanting to escape the marriage (Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). The person who has cheated instead of dealing with their martial unhappiness may believe that their forgiveness is impossible and the marriage is done. In this case the therapist would have to reverse that thinking to convince the person that it is possible to save the marriage(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). Mutual Written Disclosure One form of treatment comes in three stages. First, looking at the first effects of the affair. Second, looking at things that added to or increased the chances of infidelity such as things that were going through their mind or individual reasons, within the marriage, and anything that might be outside the marriage that have led up to the infidelity. The second stage answers the why questions. And lastly, getting the couple to make changes in behavior and how to get over emotional damage(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). How it works is that in the first stage the “injured” person writes a letter to express how the affair affected them emotionally and what assumptions are in question. The clinician then goes over the letter to overlook the letter before giving it to partner who cheated. The partner who cheated reads the letter privately a couple days before the therapy session and is not expected to reply until there at the clinician’s office. The “injured” partner then reads the letter out loud in front of the spouse in the clinician’s office. Having the two in the care of a clinician is to make the two faces each other in a non defensive manner and reveal everything. Then the process is repeated by the other partner who committed the infidelity but the individual focuses on his/her understanding of what the “injured” partner is going through as far as emotionally and physically. The second stage the letter process is used to express the reasons to what led up to the infidelity and why(Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005.)This process helps the “injured” partner establish new assumptions, comfort, safety, understanding, forgiveness, and “predictability.( Pittman, Wagers, Pittman 2005). This helps bring closure to the whole experience. This approach also leads to introspection, self-understanding , the release of stored thoughts and emotions. Lastly, this approach offers a shared experience that can help aide in the recovery of infidelity. Psychotherapy is another option for couples with infidelity. The bad news is that 1 out of 3 people do not seek help(Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004). Secondly, out of the 66.7% that do seek help all report improved conditions, but about half of the 66.7% will come back to therapy after 2 to 4 years.( Nielsen, Pinsof, Rampage, Solomon, Goldstein 2004) Discussion It is evident that infidelity is a social problem prevalent in the United States. This research has focused on marriage to understand the cause, effects, prevention, and intervention for infidelity. Infidelity is a destructive force that not only creates a victim but leaves kids as victims as well. Future research might include looking into other options for intervention and prevention methods that will decrease infidelity. Culture studies might look closer at micro groups of people such as difference amongst different races. It would be interesting to see how economic status affects the chances of infidelity. A future researcher can compare research between different generations or age groups which would show changing social norms from various institutions such as mass media. Also, interesting would be a world comparative look on infidelity between societies that view infidelity as a violation of a norm as well.
Infidelity, Cheating paper I wrote part four « Reply #3 on Jul 19, 2007, 1:01pm »
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